It was raining today. Behind the glass panes of a bakery, this slender girl of 20 something waited for the rain to stop. Or was she really waiting for it stop? Sigh! Love was in the air...Gosh! That's so cliche`!
But heck~ Love is in the air. But who is he, I don't know! How strange that I feel romantic but I don't have a face to romance with...My diary is filled with mushy confessions about faces, all the charming, young men who can steal any girl's heart but none of them close to mine the way I desired. Yes, they have made this girl clutch her pillows tight and and close her eyes tighter at nights, yes they have sometimes sprung straight out of some line of Norah Robert's novel, forcing me to underline that line again and again with my Bugs Bunny Pencil! But there's something missing in them, something that is necessary for their existence when I move beyond such fantasies. Something...that only a girl knows. She knows when she finds that missing something. But she doesn't know in what package will it come, a skewed smile, a casual wink, a touch, an embrace, a ruffling of hair, I don't know!
So my search is still on. Despite of those two heartbreaks, despite of those few guys who gave me false hopes of turning out to be the perfect one but who ended up being such jerks and gave me quite a funny, ticklish kinda sting to my heart; despite of the loneliness, of all the sobbing and sniffing with Sunshine, despite of mom's scary, now almost an accepted but yet to be proved ranting of "Iss ladki se koi ladka shaadi nain karega!", despite of all the despair, the tears, the buried pain that sometimes explodes from inside and crumbles me like a clay doll, despite of all the cynicism that the world is preaching about love, and despite I being Sneha, I am hopeful! Love will find it's way to me and I have to be ready for it! I can't afford to show him my puffed up lips, my swollen eyes, my sunken cheeks! I have to be pretty and smiling and jolly good! Sneha madam! Tere ko chudail nahin, superhit dikhna hai! Right now, all this girl misses are two cute dimples on her cheeks! I am jealous of girls who have em!
Pain, it's inevitable. And there's no choice but to face it, to cry, to break under it, to let it coil around you and strangle you till you gasp for breath, and you have to hold yourself when you shiver. There's no escaping the suffering. The one who gets the wounds she alone suffers. But then, I won't let it win over me so easily, I won't. I will love and like everyone I too deserve to be loved. And someday I will have it. I am waiting and I am happy waiting for it. I am happy doing all the calculations, the permutations, the combinations! Hell yaar!
A friend tells me, " You don't know anything about love and it's pain. How can you be so happy after you had a break up? Don't you miss him? Don't you remember the moments?" Well, Sri (Oops! I just took her name! But she doesn't know about my blog! ;-) ) I loved and my heart bled like every heart does. When it ended, i was shattered, i was broken, and oh yes I cried. But I don't know how to express it, I don't how to tell it to world how I suffered. So you would be happy if I tell you that for a week I missed my classes just because I was stoned with grief? Will my confessing that I had to take sleeping pills to sleep assure you that my love was real and not just a fling? But why should I do anything to prove anything to anyone? It was my love! I loved him and I loved him with my life. We separated, I suffered and that's it. I don't need a "Certificate of grief" to quantify my love for him! I LOVED HIM! That is all you should know. I didn't get what I deserved but I am hopeful that someday I will! :)
I am waiting for my time...AND ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOSE WHEN I WILL FIND HIM!